I also remember being told, “You’re like the guys.” “You don’t share how you feel.” “You’re not emotional or sensitive enough.” “You’re too independent.”
As I began to think about myself, I began to think that something was wrong with me. A part of this was because the beliefs that were being projected on me, were coming from a place that wasn’t constructive. It was instead coming from a place where I was being seen as “wrong’ or behaving in an incorrect way as a female or woman. It was quite critical and I resented it.
Apparently, there was a certain expectation on how I was supposed to be, and this was in the context of a romantic relationship.
However, when I began to investigate and understand (from a place of compassion) why was the way I was, I realized that It had less to do with nature (me as a woman), and more to do with nurture (my upbringing and experiences).
What do I mean by this? We learn in psychology that nature is the biological makeup of who you are. Nurture has more to do with the people you’re surrounded by and your environment. Both have an impact on you and make you into who you are today.
While I had a caring environment, I grew up with many challenges, just like you.
I grew up with a single mom, who tried her best. Plus I saw her “do it all.” My father was in my life, but we did not have a solid consistent relationship. When I look at the level of independence that I eventually developed in adulthood, I noticed that in my romantic relationship, I was more (independent, took matters into my own hands, led more, and nurtured more). I did not prioritize asking for help and would keep concerns to myself. This is in comparison and the opposite of what may be ” a more traditional feminine role .” However, I realized that the way I operated, had a lot to do with the relationship I had with my dad and men throughout my life, along with what I observed my mom go through in her divorce and do as a single mother (to sustain us and survive).
There were disappointments that I experienced in that relationship with my dad, that led me to not want to lean or be dependent upon a man or upon individuals. The independence that I developed came from a place of survival and self-preservation.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with independence, everyone needs to have individual basic life skills to survive and thrive. However, if the independence is coming from a place of fear of rejection or fear of disappointment, you can end up keeping yourself from cultivating trust, security, and stability in a relationship, or marriage in the future.
Here were some of my symptoms.
I did not ask for help, especially if I thought the other person may not do it or feel like doing it.
I did not like to be disappointed and even if the person did not disappoint me, I would look at historical patterns of disappointment, which then debilitated me from seeking out help because I did not want to go through that again.
I would say, “I just like things a certain way”, but I realized I was trying to micromanage and control the outcome, because I figured it wasn’t going to be done or accomplished in the way that I would have it. (These are control issues that stem from anxiety, which may stem from past disappointment, trauma, or rejection.)
I wanted people to just offer and know what I needed versus me having to say it.
I was too afraid to ask because I didn’t want to be a burden or an inconvenience to somebody else.
These beliefs can result in many issues. Even if you’re single, this can stifle you emotionally and lead to burnout.
In my marriage, it led me to be less communicative because I was led by the fear rejection of fear disappointment. I would then compartmentalize how I felt and resentment began to grow because I felt like I was doing everything myself. The irony is that I became consumed with the role of being a wife or mom not knowing other aspects of my identity as an individual. I remember feeling so responsible because I forgot how to relax and just enjoy the present moment.
I was constantly in preparation mode or thinking about what needed to be done.
There’s nothing wrong with being a planner. However, if you realize that there is a lack of harmony because you’re not asking for help, It can set you up to feel heavy and weighed down.
Now how do we correct this? That’s a great question! Now that you are aware, it’s never too late to change. You are the change that you want to see. We teach people how to treat us, so if there’s something that’s happening or not happening around you, it means that you have allowed it on some level.
Taking inventory of yourself and what’s happening around you that you have tolerated, from yourself or from others that you would like to change.
Then invest in your healing, because the problems that you’re experiencing are connected to a root of pain that you experienced in the past.
It’s time for that pain to heal so that you can be the best version of yourself in the future.
Therefore it’s less about you being too masculine and more about your healing and developing the courage to trust and ask for help.
If any of your current issues, stem from what you saw your parents do or your relationship that you had with a particular parent, begin to look to God, who is your heavenly Father, as the ultimate example. He is a father to the fatherless and motherless. Even if you have both parents, I encourage you to still look at his desires for you and the principles that he’d have you live by because he knows what’s best. Whether single or married, God desires you to know your purpose, love you yourself (because he loves you unconditionally), and be loved/protected.
Many times we don’t trust “putting ourselves out there or being vulnerable again”, after past hurts we’ve experienced. Therefore, it’s also about developing the courage to trust that you’ll be okay no matter what and developing trust with those around you, as you communicate your concerns and needs in a healthy way versus a hostile way.
Sometimes we’re used to finally addressing our needs when we are frustrated and agitated. However, the issue with this is that the person ends up missing the message and only focusing on the emotion.
Healing and learning how to regulate your emotions, while developing healthy communication and skills that allow for healthy conflict resolution is needed.
If you’re single, I encourage you to do this now. If you’re dating, I encourage you to do this now. If you’re married, I encourage you to do this now.
There is a certain order that God has designed in marriage. I speak with so many women who want their husbands to lead, however, they have taken on the role of leading in the household. I’m not saying that women do not lead. Women are great leaders. I’m solely referring to the household and partnership designed by God. Some may have a problem with submission, and some do not have a problem but are unsure how to when they’ve solely led for so long. It’s truly a process of learning to receive God’s love through your husband, and his help. It’s a process of learning to meet EACHOTHERS needs.
When we apply God’s principles, it is not to control us, but it is to cultivate us. His principles allow for our marriage to be conducive to teamwork, where responsibilities are shared and we are able to honor each other’s capacity instead of resenting each other.
There’s a reason the divorce rate is high. We’ve gotten away from God’s divine order.
We skipped developmental processes that are needed to help us handle complex situations and each other. The word of God says delight yourself in me, and I’ll give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4. Delighting yourself in him allows for you to become developed and heal from past wounds, before he gives you your desire, such as marriage. But when you rush the process, the thing that you desire becomes a problem. Then we want to divorce what we see as a problem. Division or divorce isn’t the answer in this case. Development is.
However, it’s not too late to invest in your development. When you transform yourself, your relationships will also transform. Again, you are the change that you want to see. Allow God’s principles to set a new precedent within yourself and your relationship.
Development areas:
- Developing a relationship with Jesus, and knowing who you are spiritually.
- Knowing your purpose. Your purpose is multifaceted. Not knowing your purpose results in misuse and abuse of yourself and others.
- Emotional regulation (Knowing how to regulate yourself)
- Healthy communication (asking for what you need, and creating connection)
- Forgiveness (releasing grudges and past hurts)
If you are reading this, there is hope. You are the change you want to see! I challenge you to connect with a coach and tell them the area in your life, that you wish to develop. If you’d like to book a consultation with me, you can do that here.
God bless you, and Jesus loves you.
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